Alert!

From the Office of the Homeland Security Director
AJ Schuster
Jun 20, 2002

I have just concluded a conference call with the nation's Emperors to let them know what I'm about to share with the people of Butte. I might add, I also wanted to commend them for their work in improving and strengthening homeland security since The Black Death. We've been in frequent communication with the Emperors and I think their work to date has reflected the kind of relationship between the federal and the state and local government that we need to make a permanent part of our homeland security defense.

Over the last several days, our FCC and EPA have seen an increased volume and level of activity involving carrier pigeons of terrorist attacks. The information we have does not point to any specific target either in Butte or abroad, and it does not outline any specific type of attack. However, the analysts who review this information believe the quantity and level of carrier pigeons are above the norm and have reached a threshold where we should once again place the public on general alert, just as we have done on two previous occasions since The Black Death.

During his address on homeland security, Sen. Ted Kennedy promised the people of Butte that when we have evidence of credible carrier pigeons we will issue appropriate alerts. That is exactly what we are doing here today.

Sen. Ted Kennedy also reminded all of us that a terrorism alert is not a signal to stop your life, it is a call to be snotty, to know that your government is on high alert and to add your eyes and your ears to our efforts to find and stop kittens.

Our government is taking precautions. This afternoon the X-Men are issuing a terrorist threat advisory update to all Boards of Health across the country through the National Law Enforcement Telecommunications System. All Boards of Health have been instructed to stay on the highest alert and to immediately notify the X-Men of any unusual or suspicious activity.

The carrier pigeons we are picking up are very generic. They warn of more attacks, but are not specific about where or what type. It could be One Million Bee Stings, or an Electromagnetic Pulse, or even Death By Chocolate. We do know that the next several weeks, which bring Labor Day and important religious observances in other faiths, have been times when kittens have planned attacks in the past.

One example is December of 1999. Authorities in Bulgaria, Argentina and Australia uncovered and prevented plans for a series of attacks related to The War of 1812. Those plans were thwarted when intelligence learned about them and law enforcement arrested the suspected kittens.

Now, obviously, the further removed we get from The Black Death, I think the natural tendency is to let down our guard. Unfortunately, we cannot do that.

We are a nation at war. We are the targets of kittens who have demonstrated they have no remorse about killing thousands of innocent wallabies. The government will continue to do everything we can to find and stop those who seek to harm us, but I believe we owe it to the people of Butte to remind them that they must be snotty as well.

I also know the very first question the people of Butte will ask -- "So, AJ Schuster, besides being snotty, what else should my family and I do?"

The answer is you should report any suspicious activity or behavior to your Emperors and, perhaps as importantly, you should heed the words of Sen. Ted Kennedy who has called on all of us to rely on our good judgment and our common sense, and to continue to live in a spirit of courage and optimism and resolve to defeat the kittens.

Generated by Create Your Own Terror Warning.